It was a Saturday night. We were in the last week of our relationship and me trying to convince her and she trying to say this wont work out… I was an adamant ass, I must admit, I couldn’t listen to her, and later I realised this is natural. Was my inability to comprehend why the breakup.
We were talking on the phone and she went on to describe, yet again, how difficult it was for her and that we should be friends even after we move on our own ways, be in touch in Orkut (I wasn’t a facebook freak then!), exchange mails, I should get married and be happy, blah blah. Trust me it was frustrating. How much ever I tried, she wouldn’t budge. She wanted me to promise that I’d take care of myself and not keep thinking about her (obviously, I haven’t kept mine even though its been a year) and I said I’ll try.
I had to make a choice it was that day or some other day. Eventually, it would happen. I said, “Maddy, I think we should stop talking”, I pause to gather my voice from breaking- she is silent, “we should try not to see each other”, I can hear her break and I could feel tears rolling down, “we shouldn’t email, chat or have any communication”, I break- not able to continue talking. There is a long pause, and then I say, “I’ll have to delete you from Orkut and Gtalk, cos I just can’t live a life having you around and we aren’t going to be together. We should ..” I break again, crying loud now “let go…” She says, “You promised we will be in touch no matter what…”,
“I just think its not gonna help either of us if we have even the smallest contact, would just pain more and give hope to me. Promise me you’ll take care of yourself and you’ll try to keep yourself happy with the new life”. She promises and I disconnect the call.
I cry all night, I called Naveen and told him the whole thing and cry so loud at midnight, my roommates realise I just did it. They knew this was coming. I had a 5 AM shift, I couldn’t sleep, I was on my knees in my bedroom crying again and again.. I couldn’t take a day off, I was at work with eyes like cherries. I just said I wasn’t feel so well..
She calls me at 6, I throw my X1 down, it hits the floor and breaks apart. I realise, I’ll need the phone and put it back together. She tries to call me again, later the next week, I decide to go to Bidar and talk to her parents. I was talking to her friends to find out the address and all that and start driving home. I reach home and I see missed calls from her. She called again and said she didn’t like me at all, she loves her finance too much and she wanted me to stay away from her life. I said, fuck it, so be it. That is the last time I talked to her.
Thinking about this now gets my heart heavy again. There is so much of work to do and I really don’t care today. Was I obsessing over her too much or Was she even in love with me. Sometimes I conclude she didn’t and may be she did or may be I was obsessing or may be not enough to convince her.. Either way, she has settled down, hopefully happy too.
I try to be happy with just material things. Srikanth’s PS3, my Bravia, my X10, my dream bike in November, blah blah.. I don’t care what you think of me when you read this and I don’t give a damn whatever you conclude to.
………..sigh……. A deep breath, getting back to work now, until I get really depressed again, Peace.