Not in a very good mood today.. I guess I have to take a break and get away from all this.. work, love, everything.. Life just doesn’t seem to go the way we plan it. It is full of twist and turns. I’ve always enjoyed them and always faced it with a lot of confidence.. It is true that at some point of time, you don’t want to do it anymore.. But then, someone or something motivates and encourages you to move on. That is I guess am not catching quite yet.
I’ve always tried to avoid those awful dreams I’ve about her. Sometimes they are so good and feels heavenly and wish life is so much simpler and easier.. The next day another dream negates it with harsh and dreadful images.. It is just not happening. Whatever I try, however I divert my thoughts, the dreams just don’t stop.
One day, am sitting with my mum at her place discussing our engagement. The very next day, am standing at the end of a hall way watching her getting married to her fiancé. Bizarre thoughts causes a silhouette of an unknown fear that doesn’t stop following me all the time. It is like the burden I can never get rid of. May be I can’t or I won’t. I am not able to comprehend why I can’t forgive myself. But I just can’t after all that I’ve been through with her.
I just console myself that she is being forced into a relationship whether she likes it or not and so one day, she’ll get used to it. Not exactly my case.. A lot more complex because of free will and reasoning am not able to accept the bare truth that she can’t be mine ever..
My feelings for her are just starting to overwhelm my normal day.. Am getting a lot of advise everyday to move on. I understand what they say and what they mean and why they want me to move on. But, I can’t , just can’t, God damn it, I am turning out into one BIG fat loser and I am not helping it.. Am clearly able to see my career going down the drench, my social life gone for a toss, my people skills all messed up. I am running out of words now.. Tears are over powering me.. I’ll call it a day..