I didn't want to admit it, it was easier to lie,
And hide the hurt and emptiness, to smile instead of cry
A good amount of our time together, we spent worrying about the future. I wish we had used it in a better way for the present. Life is full of lessons. The moral we take from those lessons all depend on what makes us feel-good.
However, every movie I see, every book I read, every real life experience I hear about, all those countless encounter everyday, every advise I am given says one thing and one thing only: We always have choices. The choices we make is what we actually are.
She chose everything else over our love or should I mention my love ? She was kind hearted, God fearing, soft spoken, magnanimous, adorable, smart, outrageously beautiful and yet, wasn’t willing to take a risk for our love. She was adamantly determined that nothing could change her parents or any of her family’s minds to approve an inter caste (our)marriage. She wasn’t ready to give up 24 years of her life, which I think is absolutely normal for a girl coming from such a background. She was insecure with me. And I damn myself for not doing a thing to make her feel safe. All I did was dream talk. I should have did something. I still don’t know what would have made her safer.
After hearing her speak for countless hours about her parents, I had obviously realised they had pampered her with a lot of love. She wasn’t clearly thinking. Even when I write this I know she is in a dilemma about her future. She was (still is ? not sure) depressed for hurting me, she is worried about getting along with her fiancé (or should I call new boy friend) and still has to wear a happy mask for the rest of the world to conceal the ever increasing silhouette of fear, betrayal, disappointment, sadness, .. lets stop here I can’t describe this any longer..
My hands are trembling, eyes watering. The roof seems to be collapsing on me. It has been 1 day since I last shed tears. The period has increased gradually from hours to days.. The longest has been 2 days till date.. I am worst when I wake up from a dream about her, at times with her, at times, leaving her… phew, I don’t know how to control my dreams.. There have been endless nights.. I put on a “normal face” when I’m at my parents’. It is more miserable to seem them shatter because of me…
The only question that comes to my mind is, when my father spoke to her and offered her three suggestions, why did she have to chose the most easiest of choices ? Why wasn’t she willing to take a risk ? Was I not good looking, smart, caring, understandable, knowledgeable, funny ? What was that quality that I didn’t have that his new fiancé has ? Oh yes, I know what, I don’t have a penny saved.. It didn’t matter if I earned enough for the two of us….
When she said yes to our relationship, wasn’t she also promising that she will do whatever it takes to have this eternal tie grow ? I tried my best or may be I didn’t.. There hasn’t been one person who said me what was going wrong. Given the fact that she feared revealing our love even to her best friends, I wasn’t getting much help to changer her mind. But the one thing I am contented and will never repent is the fact is, I let her do what she wanted. I let her chose what she thought was best for her/ us. I quoted the lines I love from The Notebook. “Forget for what I want, what you mom/ dad want, what everyone else want.. What you want is all that matters..” I guess I wasn’t loud enough or the noises around, suppressed my voice..
I can never forget the tears that kept pouring down her eyes when I picked her up from the Train station for the last time. She was guilty. I had to console her that it was all my fault.. Wait a sec, IT is actually me responsible for everything.. All started with me approaching her and messing up with her life is the least thing I might have did.. I can never forgive myself for what I did to her.. Despite her telling me her whole story, I proposed her, confused her, hurt her, left her stranded and undecided about her life….
I don’t deserve any more happiness… Only the tears comfort me and let me rest in peace……